antique doll, spiral staircase, rue bonaparte
I don't have a lot new to say. There are times when I just can't stand to be with my mother. Not in a bad way, in an intensity way. it is too much. The need. The absolute need, her despair. I bring her a comfort that it is hard for others to convey. And it is incredibly powerful to feel that. But it is also too much. And can take the wind right out of me.
And so I try to stay away, to take breaks. And then I'm drawn back. How can I deny her this time. Who am I to put other things ahead of this bond. What could be more important than that?
When she was really hallucinating badly about two months back, i told her I was going to yoga, and she lashed out "How could you at a time like this, I won't even LIVE long enough to see you again." Yes, brutal manipulation!... She can be masterful.
But here we are! And now it's even harder. She's lost that dramatic skill. Some of her sarcasm remains, but her words are jumbled. Often when she's tired and angry (mostly becasue she's scared and doesn't understand the changing of diapers each time they are wet or soiled) she will trail off with simply "blup blup blup blup" - searching for the real words, but needing to say something to get across her frustration. "get out get out get out. stop putting that thing in the place. it's blup blup blup and wetness! Now stop it! This is MY room!"
And then she will get very quiet, turn, resigned, to the wall. She'll crumble, holding my hand, and clear as ever, sob "oh jonatha, how has the world gotten so crazy?"
me: I don't know, mom, but at least we still have some happy times, and music, and love. I know it's hard for you. But thank you for being patient.
mom: but I wasn't very patient just now. I was terrified.
me: I know, but you are safe. and you are surrounded by love. and we are lucky because we have each other.
mom: but why does life have to be so hard. Oh god, why has it come to this?
me: i don't know, but i love you and you love me, and we have each other. Look at how lucky we are.
me: we ARE lucky mom. we still have each other.
mom: don't overdo it!
BAM. She's still there.